between the blue of sea and sky

time for a change

2007-01-15T19:32:00.000Z

...it's changed and moved at:
http://newelectrolysis.blogspot.com/

newborn

newborn

2007-01-13T20:14:00.000Z

You know what... it just sucks!

I'm tired of myself. I want to be someone else. I want a new profile. I want to like myself more. I want to be enough ...I had “time to think about it” today, vorba Monei.

MUSE is one of the best bands in the world. I wish I could write lyrics like theirs.

The biggest difference between Ireland and Romania is that here the state cares more about the people and there's more trust in relationships.

I hate frustration… fuckin’ bastard!

let's conspire to ignite / all the souls that would die just to feel alive

the flight

2007-01-10T17:44:00.000Z

You’re projected in the air, high up in the sky, you sense again
The time to fly!
With eyes tight shut, the widest blue and lightest clouds feel as if fell
Out of time.
Your arms are seized in rapture’s charms and turned in wings,
So you can glide.
You’re dancing in the air now, love is your delirium, you’re…
Disappeared in delight.

Emotion, bliss and lust are the ones that give you wings,
They make you fly.
Still wings are double-dealing: enrapture hazards safety;
Look down… the ground!
Now you’re afraid you’ll fall, it’s so intense, can hardly breathe
This happiness you feel!
What if her lips and yours are set apart, you lose your balance
…And you’re crushed!

But now her warmth is burning you, her fingers linger
On your thigh.
You knew her soul right from first glance and when you breathe in
She breathes out.
You shiver slightly when her lips touch your face, your neck,
Your back.
She guides you towards Heaven when her dark eyes smile gently…
So you fly!

The world looks full of colour from above; you feel that you’re in love
But still, so high!
Your soul’s an open wound now, fearing to be stepped on, laughed at,
Or be trashed.
And heart’s always a raptor, she’s soaring round and round, and won’t take long
Till quarry’s eyed.
And in the end, who’d dare to fight this warrior that’s taking over reason
Blindfolding the mind?

She lets go of your hand; dark eyes are emptied now of all the meanings
They used to hold inside.
It’s time for her to move on and for you it’s time to fly,
Alone this time.
And you say: “I’m afraid, afraid to fall! I’m so scared to let you go! I’m so tired
And I’m lost!”
Instinctively try to fight fate and close your eyes to hide the darkness that you feel
But it’s too late.
Your wings are set on fire now, they burn, they bleed, they hurt!
They quickly fall away.

You used to say you’ll fly from here and one day float over this town
There you are!
Your last second in the sky, have a last look and goodbye, fallen star
It’s time to die.
With bird-eyed greed, raptor heads down for your heart, the broken piece
That has almost touched the ground.
It’s useless now to think “I knew it! I expected it from start”, decide next time
To stop in time.
Since you only feel alive when you fly, and find out how high you got when you are
On your way down.

You can also read italics only for the shorter version.

this is how it goes...

2007-01-10T17:39:00.000Z

I’d like to give you back these tears, I have filled a sea already
And the winds bring to my nostrils the smell of sadness you created
I’d imagine how much crying takes to fill those dried out deserts,
You burned lands, forests and cities with your crave for love and care.

I’d be happy to begin where I think I must have changed
But before New Year came, I forgot what I have said …and forgot when it began
And my lips forgot your taste and my hands forgot your shape.
I saw a rainbow the first day, on the Blackrock sandy bay
The tide was low, I couldn’t sail but I could walk on rocks …and smell the salty air
Feels like I’m in love again, yet I didn’t change my name
I won’t marry loneliness, she’s too quiet for my taste.

I’d like to give you back these tears, they don’t fit with my new costume,
I dressed in strength to fight with fate, I‘ll search affection somewhere else.
I hope you find your love and care before dried eyes will drown all left
I wish I’d make the last example of a fool who lost your game.

confession of the long distance runner

2007-01-10T17:35:00.000Z

I believe in love at first sight
I believe in happy endings
I believe that dreams come true
And I believe in happiness.
I believe in true love only
I believe I recognize you
Every time you pass me by
And when you will see me back
That’s when our eyes will meet
And I’ll know that you’re the one.
Until then I’ll keep on searching
It’s enough to happen once
If it’s mutual and honest
From then on it won’t be hard.
Cause I believe with all my inside
That I don’t have to give up
And I’m bound to follow blindly
The paths lied ahead by heart.

Sometimes I’m tired
Sometimes seems hard
Sometimes feels lonely
Sometimes wrong.
Sometimes confused
Sometimes I give up.

But as hard as I have tried
The only one that I can’t lie
Is the one that breaths my breath
And turns my head
And feeds my mouth.
Is the one that feels my love
And hurts my pain
And tastes my blood.
Is the one… that will always live my life.

So I must believe in true love, happy endings, dreams come true, love at first sight; and I dream and hope and fight cause I listen to my heart.

roundabouts

2007-01-10T17:34:00.000Z

Most times I don’t even realize
Passing days before my eyes
And if I wouldn’t feel so tired
I’d nearly say is morning time.
When I don’t work I get caught in
Surfing websites, writing lines
Staring out with empty eyes
Thinking of exciting plans…

And I am waiting
And keep waiting, waiting for the day to pass
Or so it seems…
Until is 5.

Then cycling is sensorial
Consciousness only defined
By colours, scents, the taste of lime
Smelling spring, enjoy the sun.
But hilariously, when I’m home
I wait for the next day to come
So every day to work and back
I cycle the same roundabout.

But I am missing
And keep missing, missing warmness of a touch
Or so it seems…
And I feel white.

And sometimes talk and talk and talk…
Hoping sounds will fill my hole
The echoes ease my loneliness
Like tears are washing heaviness.
Some feelings wouldn’t let me rest
So I dug space within my chest
I’m peaceful now when I can hear
The beating sounds of emptiness.

Now I am nowhere
Nowhere else then where I want, I am the rhythm of my heart
Or so it seems…
In roundabouts.

such a fool, I hate your luck!

2006-12-20T15:51:00.000Z

It’s pathetic that you cry
When again, you’re the last one left to die
Courage, vision, talent, cuteness, love and passion, aims and pride
All you do is meaningful, but you just can’t realize
The luck you have, the light you spread
The chances you never appreciate
Such a fucker, such a shame!

You’re still young; you’ll find your half
Why all worries when you’re not… ready yet for what’s to have
Happiness at 25 is like knowing your life’s path
What will you expect when …quarter of what you are now
Will be multiplied by 9?

Discovery and fight makes life
The journey that you can’t give up
Experiencing conflict, contrast, beauty and the spicy ride
The unknown that hangs your dreams on a rope that links the sun
With the gold, warm sand that’s cast
Inbetween your toes to rest
Stop complaining, cut that shit!

I would die to have your place...

morning news

2006-12-18T15:09:00.000Z

You sip the morning coffee lines
Politics is poetry; arrogance is in your mind
You know I only recognize
Some names on one side of page 5
Is always numbers, figures, tests, calendars and schedules
All big titles, some are lies, is the thing that sparks your eye
Bluest sign of satisfaction as EU is firstly tracked
Then new info of a conflict never ending in Irak.

Is the world you understand, or maybe I just pretend
That the answers are out there
Wrapped in news that entertain you

Cause everytime you wave at ghosts… checking again
They don’t reply
Look at the enlightened sky
Do you still want to touch the stars?
Would you embrace the sun if it’d be close enough?
And everytime you want to know if certain of your moves was right
Do you always look for answers in the papers at your right?

Half the world reads what they write
Those words had never reached my mind
While most are lost, still think they found
The meaning and the path of life
I would like to fly in space, touch black holes, carve your name in sands of Mars
Take up journeys with closed eyes, open up my lazy mind
I’d like the sea, the waves, the tide to teach me things while fingers play in your hair…
Or with ideas in our minds.

Is every second breath inhaled meant to be a question why?
I’m so disturbed by the wrong signals
Of what I feel and what I want

Cause everytime I wave at ghosts… checking again
They don’t reply
I look at your enlightened sky
Did I forget to dream of stars?
Would I embrace your kiss, if it’d be close enough?
And everytime I hope your charm will grab again my lonely heart
Should I try to find the comfort in the papers that they write?

I would like to hold your hand, look up or down, feel happy, plain or sometimes cry
I’d like to have you in my arms, I’d like that you would love what lies
Between the blue of sea and sky.

love me back!

2006-12-10T18:49:00.000Z

All those people that I love
I just run away from them
How can they then love me back,
When I’m never there for them?

What is this? Can be called love?
What is careless, what is fair?
What you give is what I get?
Am I just confused or wrecked?

Love is here, love is there
But is never where I care
Will this chain ever be fair?
May I love you… are you there?

I expect and then complain
I forgive and then forget
I repeat the same mistake
I’m not here or anywhere

I believe that I deserve
All the presents that I get
I give out to someone else
Then they pass it all ahead

Love is here, love is there
But I never cared to share
Next, the chain will turn to fair
I didn’t find you… if you’re there.

then run...

2006-12-10T18:45:00.000Z

I will run until the cold wind burns the blisters on my face
I will run and washing rain will disperse all the mistakes
I will hide so that the light won’t ever see my selfishness
I will run to chase away the monsters that have fuelled my head
I will run to leave behind the idiot inside I fed
I will run from all those places that could not make me feel safe

I will run to lose the people who inspired my useless dream
I will run to leave behind all the things that I can’t win
I will run so that last hopes won’t have time to turn to faith
I will run til sweat will burn convulsive breaths and shoes will snap

I will run and run and run
And eventually my pulse will break

Then my soul will find a place
To stop all of that running away
For once maybe then I will listen
To all things you have to say

Since for now I am too busy
Feeling sorry for myself

silence

2006-12-04T20:13:00.000Z

It’s not your fault this time
It’s just the light behind
That makes my shadow dark
That secret that I keep
Away from my own reach
With hands thrown in my pockets
I ignore letting it out

Another short reply
Another little lie

And now I close my eyes
I’ve promised not to hide
Alienated smiles
A cardboard box behind
A screen the shows a map

Distracted angst is running
Drops slowly down the spine
My mouth is dry
My heart is drowned
The space between my thoughts feels lite
The awkward gesture of my arm
Sweet words are swallowed by the mind

Another mean remark
Disguising a reply

I’m looking at the map
And search for the right path
With perplexed eyes I wonder
Why still I stumble though it’s light?

And staring at the ground
I found a place to hide
Inbetween…
The blue of sea and sky.

camomile, honey and vanilla

2006-11-22T13:17:00.000Z

I feel the plain void in my heart and I am finally comfortable with it. I long for something else then love now, I see fulfilment in a different shade and it kind of set me free. I am not in love and I don't search for filling that drawer anymore. The empty box in my apartment doesn’t bother me anymore though I pass by it every morning on my way out. I am peaceful. Still my mind is more creative then before and thoughts are taking off the motorway. The people I meet at the course inspire me and I like this feeling of being “back in school”.

No more envy, anger, jealousy. I’m ok. I made the right decision.

If I kept on doing the same things, how could I have waited for different results?

2006 is the year when I finally became free.

May I subtract the induced parts?

2006-11-13T01:03:00.000Z

It's perplexing and muddling knowing that a deep feeling of uneasiness can be tore apart by two new pairs of baggy pants and a black cardigan... how a sore moment of loneliness is caused only by the fact that no one is around at a certain point when you'd rather not be alone. How can we know when our uneasiness should be taken seriously? when the "bad state" within is not just a "bad mood"? Is it when it finally ends up tragically and you finally identify you HAD a "real problem"? (if you're still around). Or is it when the others are seeing you as being in a serious distress or depression and they realize they should've helped you earlier?

What is authentic and what is illusion about our emotions? How can we see the difference between the true feelings and the feelings we induce ourselves?

When is love genuine and unbiased by unbalanced emotions? When should we take it seriously? When should I say: "I love you"? How do I know when love's a "state" and not a "mood"?

How should I define the intense emotions that come up in moments of happiness? How can I communicate to the other that emotion and how complete their presence sometimes makes me feel, without making a long-term promise out of it? If it were love, it would have lasted longer and my words wouldn't have been an irresponsible lie.

Oh, all these questions always find the same unsatisfying explanation: "only you can find that answer... search within you..." or "you will know when time comes, you will know love when it will fill your heart..."

...that rather means: "I don't know, why do you ask me these questions?"... Probably they don’t know more then I do... we are all part of the same world after all. But maybe I am looking for a Jesus in disguise…

It's like the question I never got to ask Collette about the amateurish painting in the "Wee House" pub: "Why did the author insist to carefully show us the cards of one of the two characters engaged in the poker game? Did (s)he consider it important for the plot of the visual or was it just a coincidence or a desire to represent the scene in the most realistic way?"

I have to ask the "Author" and maybe not even (s)he knows why.

Enough. Goodnight!

conversation...

2006-11-11T00:49:00.000Z

She had something to confess too
But you don’t have the time so
Look the other way

(Muscle Museum)

Loneliness of the long distance runner...

2006-11-10T01:23:00.000Z

...it is what I feel I go through now. Emptiness. It's so empty that I don't even know what to write. I don't know where I am and I don't know where to go. I float, I'm like a bacteria. I feel tired, tired, tired, tired...

How can I know where to start when I am way far over the start? I have death in mind... experience is no fun anymore and there's only self destruction and emptiness beyond experience. Nothing else makes life my journey.

Go to sleep, dream away the (w)hole that have become your home.

and in weekend God created...

2006-11-06T12:46:00.000Z

What if I start to write my own Bible? My own story of the world… and in the sixth day, God created Ioana. S(he) was playing with dirt and by mistake, a pretty human face came out, was a fat 4 kilos baby. Had no defined features and besides that pretty face nothing was yet set. That Saturday was not a working day and as funny as it seems it was the only day when God created humans. Every other creature and every other soul had their reason of existence, well set, well placed, well integrated, well defined as parts and complete as wholes. But Saturdays were fun. They were weekend days to play around when no limits were set to creativity, pleasure and the delight of art. And who would like to spoil that with reason, order, common sense or logic? Interesting creatures were born on Saturdays… but they were never finished, they were never spotlessly defined or specifically outlined, they had no precise meaning and no determined fate. That’s why they got a mind and heart, they got desire and they got hope, but most of all they got FREEDOM; freedom to act, freedom to speak, freedom to decide. And as they were born out of a heart’s work not mind, each one is loved by God, and cherished and encouraged and supported to go on, to find their paths. Every other Saturday creature is intensely beautiful. The world is now diverse, lively, spontaneous and free. No one knows why they come and where they go, what they want and mostly: why do they love? Each one of them has this obsession of finding “the one”, they are afraid of loneliness and their happiness is always defined by something they don’t have.

Probably God was afraid at one point humans would stop evolving and then they will be as ordinary as the other creatures are. So carefully each last touch is always doomed with greed, longing for love and lust. We all want, desire, fancy, wish, crave, miss, need, yearn and search and search and search… and it’s probably what makes it all more fun to watch.

Saturday creatures are lot of fun and probably God loves to laugh...

fly away with the wings I gave you...

2006-11-03T13:17:00.002Z

...try to be closer to me and I'll save you...

confused

2006-11-01T15:16:00.000Z

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit...

I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends...

...I think.

...once more with feeling

2006-10-27T18:01:00.000+01:00

Where should I start?
Disjointed heart
I’ve got not commitment
To my own flesh and blood
Left all alone
Can't find my home
No one to hear me, to heal my ill heart, I
Keep it locked up inside

I cannot express to the point I’ve regressed
If anger’s a gift, then I guess I’ve been blessed

understanding?

2006-10-27T15:32:00.000+01:00

Dundalk, Ireland

Is it this place or this situation or the things I am allowed to do here that make me understand what is that I like the most about life? Because suddenly I have all the freedom I have wished for the whole last 5 or 6 years and (if not even more) - here I am realizing that I am not who I would like to be. Most of the times I am even scared to let myself analyze all this. Now I feel bad, sad and dark again. Because I seem to be on the right way, I almost have it all… but then why doesn’t it make me happy? Why do I want to change it all again? Why am I mad again at life?

I feel I have strived the whole year for something that I feel now doesn’t belong to me and doesn’t represent who I am. Did I try again to be what I am not? Did I borrow again someone else’s dreams and become someone else’s life just because they liked me that way? Where am I, what am I, who am I supposed to be?

I keep repeating to myself in the last three days the same phrase; over and over and over again… Why aren’t we allowed to choose beforehand a set of talents and qualities that are able to support our passions? Why was I born with a desire that has no specific structure within me… and why do I have a talent for something that I don’t like doing? What is its meaning? Why is God scattering so carelessly qualities over people? Why aren’t we all meant to reach the best we can by coinciding passions with talents and so contribute with something meaningful to the world? Why most of us are rather meant to invent replacements for what we lack and eventually reach the compromising mediocrity?

I have time to think now. I can choose what I want to do all day. I have space, means, time and mood to show contempt for what I “should” do and rather pursue what “feel like” doing… it’s a good test to see what I am mostly drawn to and what I actually like doing: and it is all around music. Music is what I always liked the most. One of the happiest periods in my life was the summer when I played music everyday with Ovidiu.. Learning to play instruments and trying to make songs never felt like work, it had always been fun. And now I have time and I play again and again and again until the tips of my fingers sore so badly that I can’t even feel them. And I do it so right sometimes, though other times it just sucks… That summer was so right! Seemed the right time, the right place, the right people. Someone who believed in me being able to do it rather then discouraged it was there… it had been enough to let myself go and to stop hiding it, and to be confident enough to be able to play for others.

It stopped when school started and had to study for the exams following as it was the last year. I had to think of the future, of how I’ll settle down; I had to study, to pass exams in order to go out in the world, to learn a job, to think of how I’ll make money and survive, to pick up the real story of a “normal” life. I was happy to forget the unrealistic dreams of making music and to concentrate on the “achievable” ones, resulting from the skills I had already gained and based on my former education. Find a way to make use of those trained talents that I had opportunity for developing when I didn’t have too much knowledge of what life is or who I was and what I wanted to be.

And here I am, almost having it all and not feeling right again - and even more then ever. And I feel I go back to square one, the square where I ask myself: what will I do next? What is the career I want to follow? And I feel guilty that everywhere I go, it first seems to “click” but it never really does. And I leave again in search for something else, disappointing those who invested and believed in me. And this wonderful story feels again just like a trip through someone else’s life somehow. Because for me is only another opportunity to understand more of the world and discover more of myself. But isn’t that only the first step in a longer process of creation? People discover, act, contribute and in the end reflect… But I keep on being stuck in this first step of discovering and everytime I feel trained enough to start contributing I realize I discovered again that it’s not the thing I am best at. Each time when I get closer to the end of the learning process I realize I’m not meant to do that certain thing. And I learn again rather the thing I am not then the thing I am and finally end up wondering for the tenth time: who am I? where should I go now? What am I best at? what is my meaning among people? What should I contribute to in this world?

Anyway, I took the wrong path again and truly believed that I finally found my reason… but it's not. I’m a little of this but it isn’t big enough to be “me”.

But music wasn’t stopped by me.

like a flower in the sun

2006-05-27T21:21:00.000+01:00

the freedom of an anarchist

2006-05-25T22:04:00.000+01:00

Today I see how lucky I am to be part of this ladyfest "international subculture", how I have access to really great forms of personal expression and opinion that most girls never touch. I realize how wonderful are all these people who spend their time in a way that a "normal" person would never do: doubting the attested truths of the system they live in, trying to find alternatives to a life they feel can't fit in and to which they will never be able to belong to. So they CREATE, they create alternative language, alternative forms of expression, alternative art and music, alternative systems of values, alternative lifestyles, all the time searching for an alternative to their own alternatives. Always asking questions about the meanings of a queer life that keeps them away from the "norm".

Sometimes I am so thankful for it and for how special "different" makes me feel still sometimes I am only overwhelmed by a question that I am aware will never find a satisfying answer: "where do I belong?".

I call myself an ANARCHIST, I'm blessed to be looking for a DIFFERENT way. But you will never really understand cause we define that word in DIFFERENT ways.

(un)fairness

2006-05-16T10:02:00.000+01:00

Your F A I R N E S S puts you to a disadvantage to the ones who don't care to be fair: they get everything they desire and you only get your I N T E G R I T Y. And you are not allowed to turn like them because would be followed by G U I L T.

a mess

2006-04-30T21:14:00.000+01:00

Ioana: love doesn't exist mona.. we just pretend it does
Mona: rica it does, it's life itself!
Ioana: life it's the trip to death
Ioana: and death it's the trip to a new life
Ioana: si love e doar the end of the road
Ioana: it's far and it's not life nor death, only the end of a road...
Mona: (nothing)

carousel

2006-03-15T22:00:00.000Z

She can't hide no matter how hard she tries
Her secret disguised behind the lies
And at night she crys away her pride
With eyes shut tight staring at her inside
All her friends know why she can't sleep at night
All her family askin' if she's alright
All she wants to do is get rid of this hell
Well all she's got to do is stop kiddin' herself

She can only fool herself for so long

I'm too weak to face me

YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE CAROUSEL UNTIL YOU MAKE IT STOP!
YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE CAROUSEL UNTIL YOU MAKE IT STOP!
YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE CAROUSEL UNTIL YOU MAKE IT STOP!
YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE CAROUSEL UNTIL YOU MAKE IT STOP!
YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE CAROUSEL UNTIL YOU MAKE IT STOP!
YOU CAN'T GET OFF THE CAROUSEL UNTIL YOU MAKE IT STOP!

head-onism

2006-03-15T17:46:00.000Z

I hope you're feeling happy now
I see you feel no pain at all it seems
I wonder what you're doin' now
I wonder if you think of me at all

Do you still play the same moves now
Or are those special moods
For someone else

I hope you're feeling happy now.

Just because you feel good
Doesn't make you right
Just because you feel good
Still want you here tonight

Does laughter still discover you
I see through all those smiles
That look so right

Oh how do you remember
Me the one that made
You laugh until you cried
I hope you're feeling happy now

Just because you feel good
Doesn't make you right
Just because you feel good

Still want you here tonight

may I spend the night alone?

2006-03-14T22:36:00.000Z

You know what... it kind of sucks how I always refulate over the internet, on blogs and forums, the things I don't talk about with anyone because they all find it mawkish. Sometimes reading back I seem such a different person then the others see me in "live" contact. I think I kind of guess why girls don't like me over the internet. But I will always like using words to analyze my feeelings... so not much to do about the "boringly" philosophical me. I miss Peri and the conversations I had with her... she was like me. We communicated so perfectly in this way... maybe if we met in real life, we wouldn't get along so well... but through writing, I never met anyone like her before and I don't think I will ever again. She knew how important is to face your own sadness just like you live your joy and was not rolling her eyes at anything. I miss having someone digging so deep into my thoughts. It's a warm feedback to my own search within their souls.

Ilke is too common for me. I thought she's different. I thought she has an inner universe, her own world just waiting to be discvered. But she's nothing more then what you meet on the outside.

I wonder if we do look for inner worlds only when we are unadapted to the reality next to us. You don't fit into the social context were forced to live by your provenience then you create your own context in which to feel confortable and happy. It sounds a bit like a generalization but it is only an observation.

I'm maybe uninteresting and uncool but I like my "over analyzed" world. It's safe. It's home.

I'm fucking tired... nightie night

she made me see one more thing...

2006-03-13T17:42:00.000Z

...you don't have to be straight to be a breeder. Gay people can be "breeder minded" too even if they don't fuck to breed.

"The Soulmate" may be our greatest utopia. Do we always give up when it's not easy anymore? Is art our only true love?

Will I ever find you? Where do you hide? Wny am I not ready yet? Will I ever touch your wings?

International Women's Day

2006-03-08T10:55:00.000Z

...BECAUSE it's International Women's Day and we must think for a moment to all the great feminists and courageous women that fought yesterday for the rights we mostly take for granted today and to those great women who are currently involved in the war against sexism and patriarchy.

I have this lyrics in mind to remind me of some:

Carol Rama and Elanor Antin
Yoko Ono and Carolee Schneeman
You're getting old, that's what they'll say, but
Don't give a damn I'm listening anyway
Stop, don't you stop I can't live if you stop
Don't you stop
Gretchen Phillips and Cibo Matto
Leslie Feinburg and Faith Ringgold
Mr. Lady, Laura Cottingham
Mab Segrest and The Butchies, man
Don't stop
Don't you stop
We won't stop
Don't you stop
So many roads and so much opinion
So much shit to give in, give in to
So many rules and so much opinion
So much bullshit but we won't give in
Stop, we won't stop
Don't you stop I can't live if you stop
Tammy Rae Carland and Sleater-Kinney
Vivienne Dick and Lorraine O'Grady
Gayatri Spivak and Angela Davis
Laurie Weeks and Dorothy Allison
Stop, don't you stop
Please don't stop
We won't stop
Gertrude Stein, Marlon Riggs, Billie Jean King, Ut, DJ Cuttin Candy,David Wojnarowicz, Melissa York, Nina Simone, Ann Peebles, Tammy Hart,The Slits, Hanin Elias, Hazel Dickens, Cathy Sissler, Shirley Muldowney,Urvashi vaid, Valie Export, Cathy Opie, James Baldwin,Diane Dimassa, Aretha Franklin, Joan Jett, Mia X, Krystal Wakem,Kara Walker, Justin Bond, Bridget Irish, Juliana Lueking,Cecelia Dougherty, Ariel Skrag, The Need, Vaginal Creme Davis,Alice Gerard, Billy Tipton, Julie Doucet, Yayoi Kusama, Eileen Myles

Oh no no no don't stop stop............

(Le Tigre - Hot Topic)

KATHLEEN HANNA'S RIOT GRRRL MANIFESTO

BECAUSE us girls crave records and books and fanzines that speak to US that WE feel included in and can understand in our own ways.
BECAUSE we wanna make it easier for girls to see/hear each other's work so that we can share strategies and criticize-applaud each other.
BECAUSE we must take over the means of production in order to create our own moanings.
BECAUSE viewing our work as being connected to our girlfriends-politics-real lives is essential if we are gonna figure out how we are doing impacts, reflects, perpetuates, or DISRUPTS the status quo.
BECAUSE we recognize fantasies of Instant Macho Gun Revolution as impractical lies meant to keep us simply dreaming instead of becoming our dreams AND THUS seek to create revolution in our own lives every single day by envisioning and creating alternatives to the bullshit christian capitalist way of doing things.
BECAUSE we want and need to encourage and be encouraged in the face of all our own insecurities, in the face of beergutboyrock that tells us we can't play our instruments, in the face of "authorities" who say our bands/zines/etc are the worst in the US and
BECAUSE we don't wanna assimilate to someone else's (boy) standards of what is or isn't.
BECAUSE we are unwilling to falter under claims that we are reactionary "reverse sexists" AND NOT THE TRUEPUNKROCKSOULCRUSADERS THAT WE KNOW we really are.
BECAUSE we know that life is much more than physical survival and are patently aware that the punk rock "you can do anything" idea is crucial to the coming angry grrrl rock revolution which seeks to save the psychic and cultural lives of girls and women everywhere, according to their own terms, not ours.
BECAUSE we are interested in creating non-heirarchical ways of being AND making music, friends, and scenes based on communication + understanding, instead of competition + good/bad categorizations.
BECAUSE doing/reading/seeing/hearing cool things that validate and challenge us can help us gain the strength and sense of community that we need in order to figure out how bullshit like racism, able-bodieism, ageism, speciesism, classism, thinism, sexism, anti-semitism and heterosexism figures in our own lives.
BECAUSE we see fostering and supporting girl scenes and girl artists of all kinds as integral to this process.
BECAUSE we hate capitalism in all its forms and see our main goal as sharing information and staying alive, instead of making profits of being cool according to traditional standards.
BECAUSE we are angry at a society that tells us Girl = Dumb, Girl = Bad, Girl = Weak.
BECAUSE we are unwilling to let our real and valid anger be diffused and/or turned against us via the internalization of sexism as witnessed in girl/girl jealousism and self defeating girltype behaviors.
BECAUSE I believe with my wholeheartmindbody that girls constitute a revolutionary soul force that can, and will change the world for real.

the weak ones are there to justify the strong

2006-02-26T09:26:00.000Z

There's these moments when I try and try to figure something out. My mind goes on and on especially during the daily routines (otherwise they would drive me insane anyway). This morning, I was preparing breakfast and it crossed my mind that she might be acting like that because I remind her too much of the things she considers weak about herself. I notice this in me sometimes, there is a great difference between who I am and who I want to be. It can be with others too. This is a reasonable way of explaining and undetstanding her inconsequent behaviour.

I totally believe that deep inside of her soul she doesn't mean all she is doing and that in a shallow degree she also is a bit dazzled with her own reactions towards me. I'm not trying to find excuses for her behaviour (as Mona says) but rather try to explain to myself what I first seen in her. I need to draw some guidelines for my own definitions of what I want and like, what I really search for in my own life.

People can't be naturally bad deep inside; surely selfish but no one wants to hurt the other intentionally. They are proud and they are selfish but not bad.

My own behaviour towards certain people a lot of times amazes me; makes me urecognizable to myself. I am a lot of things I never thought I could be but only in certain situations. The environment influences me, inspires me, gives me courage, makes me weak, provides energy or apathy, brings out the good or the mean, the philanthropy or the selfish. Should I blame it? No, no, no...

incapability

2006-02-22T07:55:00.000Z

You can't smell your own shit on your knees.

bliss

2006-02-18T23:25:00.000Z

I can't even cry anymore. Seems like a good start. Still I feels chills up and down and the sensations mixed all the way. I'd rather convulsively laugh

deconstruction

2006-02-18T23:23:00.000Z

seasons change

2006-02-13T23:39:00.000Z

It was just the season... winter settled back in for now.

questionnaire

2006-02-13T23:25:00.000Z

I felt stupid tonight, first time in this circumstances. I have to end it right where the shaking of the chilled body starts. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end and sometimes I wonder how much will I still go on distracting myself with a life that is not really mine.

Am I just tired or do I need to be tired to be honest with myself? It's fading out little by little... the energy, the spark, the lie I'm telling to them all about how hapiness is the other step I take ahead...

Will it always be so hard to supress pain and fear? Will it become routine at one point? Will I ever be able to be cold and careless? To stay away from falling in love and giving myself away?

It's always filled with ups and downs and most of us finally give up the fight and choose to protect themselves with this great strong ironclad. Where is my place? Where should I go? When will I be up again?

I better go to bed... morning will have fresher air.

I realize...

2006-02-13T15:02:00.000Z

...hapiness is about getting what you want exactly the moment you want it the most. Sooner or later makes it less important and its intensity never reaches the peak we identify as "I am so happy!".

laughing as I pray

2006-02-12T18:44:00.000Z

Look at the earth from outer space
Everyone must find a place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real don't give me fake

Give me one 'cause one is best
In confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
Don't forget the rest us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix

But give me love over, love over this

muse

2006-02-12T09:55:00.001Z

It's amazing how they are able to create passion, tension and pressure. Showbiz gives me chills up and down my spine.

"Controlling my feelings far too long
Forcing our darkest souls to unfold
And pushing us into self destruction

They make me, make me dream your dreams
They make me, make me scream your screams"

it's about mixing sounds and words and the way they mingle and intertwine makes it all special and different. It's a hard job to mix content and means, to join meaning with a good artistic expression. That's what attracts me to it and that's what sometimes makes a good artist really breathe through her/his art.

must be the season

2006-02-08T23:08:00.000Z

I do love you and for the second time in life love is for me the genuine feeling of care and interest of someone without pain or fear or expectation.