...once more with feeling

Where should I start?
Disjointed heart
I’ve got not commitment
To my own flesh and blood
Left all alone
Can't find my home
No one to hear me, to heal my ill heart, I
Keep it locked up inside

I cannot express to the point I’ve regressed
If anger’s a gift, then I guess I’ve been blessed

understanding?

Dundalk, Ireland

Is it this place or this situation or the things I am allowed to do here that make me understand what is that I like the most about life? Because suddenly I have all the freedom I have wished for the whole last 5 or 6 years and (if not even more) - here I am realizing that I am not who I would like to be. Most of the times I am even scared to let myself analyze all this. Now I feel bad, sad and dark again. Because I seem to be on the right way, I almost have it all… but then why doesn’t it make me happy? Why do I want to change it all again? Why am I mad again at life?

I feel I have strived the whole year for something that I feel now doesn’t belong to me and doesn’t represent who I am. Did I try again to be what I am not? Did I borrow again someone else’s dreams and become someone else’s life just because they liked me that way? Where am I, what am I, who am I supposed to be?

I keep repeating to myself in the last three days the same phrase; over and over and over again… Why aren’t we allowed to choose beforehand a set of talents and qualities that are able to support our passions? Why was I born with a desire that has no specific structure within me… and why do I have a talent for something that I don’t like doing? What is its meaning? Why is God scattering so carelessly qualities over people? Why aren’t we all meant to reach the best we can by coinciding passions with talents and so contribute with something meaningful to the world? Why most of us are rather meant to invent replacements for what we lack and eventually reach the compromising mediocrity?

I have time to think now. I can choose what I want to do all day. I have space, means, time and mood to show contempt for what I “should” do and rather pursue what “feel like” doing… it’s a good test to see what I am mostly drawn to and what I actually like doing: and it is all around music. Music is what I always liked the most. One of the happiest periods in my life was the summer when I played music everyday with Ovidiu.. Learning to play instruments and trying to make songs never felt like work, it had always been fun. And now I have time and I play again and again and again until the tips of my fingers sore so badly that I can’t even feel them. And I do it so right sometimes, though other times it just sucks… That summer was so right! Seemed the right time, the right place, the right people. Someone who believed in me being able to do it rather then discouraged it was there… it had been enough to let myself go and to stop hiding it, and to be confident enough to be able to play for others.

It stopped when school started and had to study for the exams following as it was the last year. I had to think of the future, of how I’ll settle down; I had to study, to pass exams in order to go out in the world, to learn a job, to think of how I’ll make money and survive, to pick up the real story of a “normal” life. I was happy to forget the unrealistic dreams of making music and to concentrate on the “achievable” ones, resulting from the skills I had already gained and based on my former education. Find a way to make use of those trained talents that I had opportunity for developing when I didn’t have too much knowledge of what life is or who I was and what I wanted to be.

And here I am, almost having it all and not feeling right again - and even more then ever. And I feel I go back to square one, the square where I ask myself: what will I do next? What is the career I want to follow? And I feel guilty that everywhere I go, it first seems to “click” but it never really does. And I leave again in search for something else, disappointing those who invested and believed in me. And this wonderful story feels again just like a trip through someone else’s life somehow. Because for me is only another opportunity to understand more of the world and discover more of myself. But isn’t that only the first step in a longer process of creation? People discover, act, contribute and in the end reflect… But I keep on being stuck in this first step of discovering and everytime I feel trained enough to start contributing I realize I discovered again that it’s not the thing I am best at. Each time when I get closer to the end of the learning process I realize I’m not meant to do that certain thing. And I learn again rather the thing I am not then the thing I am and finally end up wondering for the tenth time: who am I? where should I go now? What am I best at? what is my meaning among people? What should I contribute to in this world?

Anyway, I took the wrong path again and truly believed that I finally found my reason… but it's not. I’m a little of this but it isn’t big enough to be “me”.

But music wasn’t stopped by me.