the weak ones are there to justify the strong

There's these moments when I try and try to figure something out. My mind goes on and on especially during the daily routines (otherwise they would drive me insane anyway). This morning, I was preparing breakfast and it crossed my mind that she might be acting like that because I remind her too much of the things she considers weak about herself. I notice this in me sometimes, there is a great difference between who I am and who I want to be. It can be with others too. This is a reasonable way of explaining and undetstanding her inconsequent behaviour.

I totally believe that deep inside of her soul she doesn't mean all she is doing and that in a shallow degree she also is a bit dazzled with her own reactions towards me. I'm not trying to find excuses for her behaviour (as Mona says) but rather try to explain to myself what I first seen in her. I need to draw some guidelines for my own definitions of what I want and like, what I really search for in my own life.

People can't be naturally bad deep inside; surely selfish but no one wants to hurt the other intentionally. They are proud and they are selfish but not bad.

My own behaviour towards certain people a lot of times amazes me; makes me urecognizable to myself. I am a lot of things I never thought I could be but only in certain situations. The environment influences me, inspires me, gives me courage, makes me weak, provides energy or apathy, brings out the good or the mean, the philanthropy or the selfish. Should I blame it? No, no, no...

bliss

I can't even cry anymore. Seems like a good start. Still I feels chills up and down and the sensations mixed all the way. I'd rather convulsively laugh

seasons change

It was just the season... winter settled back in for now.

questionnaire

I felt stupid tonight, first time in this circumstances. I have to end it right where the shaking of the chilled body starts. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end and sometimes I wonder how much will I still go on distracting myself with a life that is not really mine.

Am I just tired or do I need to be tired to be honest with myself? It's fading out little by little... the energy, the spark, the lie I'm telling to them all about how hapiness is the other step I take ahead...

Will it always be so hard to supress pain and fear? Will it become routine at one point? Will I ever be able to be cold and careless? To stay away from falling in love and giving myself away?

It's always filled with ups and downs and most of us finally give up the fight and choose to protect themselves with this great strong ironclad. Where is my place? Where should I go? When will I be up again?

I better go to bed... morning will have fresher air.

laughing as I pray

Look at the earth from outer space
Everyone must find a place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real don't give me fake

Give me one 'cause one is best
In confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
Don't forget the rest us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix

But give me love over, love over this