the flight

You’re projected in the air, high up in the sky, you sense again
The time to fly!
With eyes tight shut, the widest blue and lightest clouds feel as if fell
Out of time.
Your arms are seized in rapture’s charms and turned in wings,
So you can glide.
You’re dancing in the air now, love is your delirium, you’re…
Disappeared in delight.

Emotion, bliss and lust are the ones that give you wings,
They make you fly.
Still wings are double-dealing: enrapture hazards safety;
Look down… the ground!
Now you’re afraid you’ll fall, it’s so intense, can hardly breathe
This happiness you feel!
What if her lips and yours are set apart, you lose your balance
…And you’re crushed!

But now her warmth is burning you, her fingers linger
On your thigh.
You knew her soul right from first glance and when you breathe in
She breathes out.
You shiver slightly when her lips touch your face, your neck,
Your back.
She guides you towards Heaven when her dark eyes smile gently…
So you fly!

The world looks full of colour from above; you feel that you’re in love
But still, so high!
Your soul’s an open wound now, fearing to be stepped on, laughed at,
Or be trashed.
And heart’s always a raptor, she’s soaring round and round, and won’t take long
Till quarry’s eyed.
And in the end, who’d dare to fight this warrior that’s taking over reason
Blindfolding the mind?

She lets go of your hand; dark eyes are emptied now of all the meanings
They used to hold inside.
It’s time for her to move on and for you it’s time to fly,
Alone this time.
And you say: “I’m afraid, afraid to fall! I’m so scared to let you go! I’m so tired
And I’m lost!”
Instinctively try to fight fate and close your eyes to hide the darkness that you feel
But it’s too late.
Your wings are set on fire now, they burn, they bleed, they hurt!
They quickly fall away.

You used to say you’ll fly from here and one day float over this town
There you are!
Your last second in the sky, have a last look and goodbye, fallen star
It’s time to die.
With bird-eyed greed, raptor heads down for your heart, the broken piece
That has almost touched the ground.
It’s useless now to think “I knew it! I expected it from start”, decide next time
To stop in time.
Since you only feel alive when you fly, and find out how high you got when you are
On your way down.


You can also read italics only for the shorter version.

this is how it goes...

I’d like to give you back these tears, I have filled a sea already
And the winds bring to my nostrils the smell of sadness you created
I’d imagine how much crying takes to fill those dried out deserts,
You burned lands, forests and cities with your crave for love and care.

I’d be happy to begin where I think I must have changed
But before New Year came, I forgot what I have said …and forgot when it began
And my lips forgot your taste and my hands forgot your shape.
I saw a rainbow the first day, on the Blackrock sandy bay
The tide was low, I couldn’t sail but I could walk on rocks …and smell the salty air
Feels like I’m in love again, yet I didn’t change my name
I won’t marry loneliness, she’s too quiet for my taste.

I’d like to give you back these tears, they don’t fit with my new costume,
I dressed in strength to fight with fate, I‘ll search affection somewhere else.
I hope you find your love and care before dried eyes will drown all left
I wish I’d make the last example of a fool who lost your game.

confession of the long distance runner

I believe in love at first sight
I believe in happy endings
I believe that dreams come true
And I believe in happiness.
I believe in true love only
I believe I recognize you
Every time you pass me by
And when you will see me back
That’s when our eyes will meet
And I’ll know that you’re the one.
Until then I’ll keep on searching
It’s enough to happen once
If it’s mutual and honest
From then on it won’t be hard.
Cause I believe with all my inside
That I don’t have to give up
And I’m bound to follow blindly
The paths lied ahead by heart.

Sometimes I’m tired
Sometimes seems hard
Sometimes feels lonely
Sometimes wrong.
Sometimes confused
Sometimes I give up.

But as hard as I have tried
The only one that I can’t lie
Is the one that breaths my breath
And turns my head
And feeds my mouth.
Is the one that feels my love
And hurts my pain
And tastes my blood.
Is the one… that will always live my life.

So I must believe in true love, happy endings, dreams come true, love at first sight; and I dream and hope and fight cause I listen to my heart.

roundabouts

Most times I don’t even realize
Passing days before my eyes
And if I wouldn’t feel so tired
I’d nearly say is morning time.
When I don’t work I get caught in
Surfing websites, writing lines
Staring out with empty eyes
Thinking of exciting plans…

And I am waiting
And keep waiting, waiting for the day to pass
Or so it seems…
Until is 5.

Then cycling is sensorial
Consciousness only defined
By colours, scents, the taste of lime
Smelling spring, enjoy the sun.
But hilariously, when I’m home
I wait for the next day to come
So every day to work and back
I cycle the same roundabout.

But I am missing
And keep missing, missing warmness of a touch
Or so it seems…
And I feel white.

And sometimes talk and talk and talk…
Hoping sounds will fill my hole
The echoes ease my loneliness
Like tears are washing heaviness.
Some feelings wouldn’t let me rest
So I dug space within my chest
I’m peaceful now when I can hear
The beating sounds of emptiness.

Now I am nowhere
Nowhere else then where I want, I am the rhythm of my heart
Or so it seems…
In roundabouts.

such a fool, I hate your luck!

It’s pathetic that you cry
When again, you’re the last one left to die
Courage, vision, talent, cuteness, love and passion, aims and pride
All you do is meaningful, but you just can’t realize
The luck you have, the light you spread
The chances you never appreciate
Such a fucker, such a shame!

You’re still young; you’ll find your half
Why all worries when you’re not… ready yet for what’s to have
Happiness at 25 is like knowing your life’s path
What will you expect when …quarter of what you are now
Will be multiplied by 9?

Discovery and fight makes life
The journey that you can’t give up
Experiencing conflict, contrast, beauty and the spicy ride
The unknown that hangs your dreams on a rope that links the sun
With the gold, warm sand that’s cast
Inbetween your toes to rest
Stop complaining, cut that shit!

I would die to have your place...

morning news

You sip the morning coffee lines
Politics is poetry; arrogance is in your mind
You know I only recognize
Some names on one side of page 5
Is always numbers, figures, tests, calendars and schedules
All big titles, some are lies, is the thing that sparks your eye
Bluest sign of satisfaction as EU is firstly tracked
Then new info of a conflict never ending in Irak.

Is the world you understand, or maybe I just pretend
That the answers are out there
Wrapped in news that entertain you

Cause everytime you wave at ghosts… checking again
They don’t reply
Look at the enlightened sky
Do you still want to touch the stars?
Would you embrace the sun if it’d be close enough?
And everytime you want to know if certain of your moves was right
Do you always look for answers in the papers at your right?


Half the world reads what they write
Those words had never reached my mind
While most are lost, still think they found
The meaning and the path of life
I would like to fly in space, touch black holes, carve your name in sands of Mars
Take up journeys with closed eyes, open up my lazy mind
I’d like the sea, the waves, the tide to teach me things while fingers play in your hair…
Or with ideas in our minds.

Is every second breath inhaled meant to be a question why?
I’m so disturbed by the wrong signals
Of what I feel and what I want

Cause everytime I wave at ghosts… checking again
They don’t reply
I look at your enlightened sky
Did I forget to dream of stars?
Would I embrace your kiss, if it’d be close enough?
And everytime I hope your charm will grab again my lonely heart
Should I try to find the comfort in the papers that they write?


I would like to hold your hand, look up or down, feel happy, plain or sometimes cry
I’d like to have you in my arms, I’d like that you would love what lies
Between the blue of sea and sky.

 

love me back!

All those people that I love
I just run away from them
How can they then love me back,
When I’m never there for them?

What is this? Can be called love?
What is careless, what is fair?
What you give is what I get?
Am I just confused or wrecked?

Love is here, love is there
But is never where I care
Will this chain ever be fair?
May I love you… are you there?

I expect and then complain
I forgive and then forget
I repeat the same mistake
I’m not here or anywhere

I believe that I deserve
All the presents that I get
I give out to someone else
Then they pass it all ahead

Love is here, love is there
But I never cared to share
Next, the chain will turn to fair
I didn’t find you… if you’re there.

 

then run...

I will run until the cold wind burns the blisters on my face
I will run and washing rain will disperse all the mistakes
I will hide so that the light won’t ever see my selfishness
I will run to chase away the monsters that have fuelled my head
I will run to leave behind the idiot inside I fed
I will run from all those places that could not make me feel safe

I will run to lose the people who inspired my useless dream
I will run to leave behind all the things that I can’t win
I will run so that last hopes won’t have time to turn to faith
I will run til sweat will burn convulsive breaths and shoes will snap

I will run and run and run
And eventually my pulse will break

Then my soul will find a place
To stop all of that running away
For once maybe then I will listen
To all things you have to say

Since for now I am too busy
Feeling sorry for myself

 

silence

It’s not your fault this time
It’s just the light behind
That makes my shadow dark
That secret that I keep
Away from my own reach
With hands thrown in my pockets
I ignore letting it out

Another short reply
Another little lie

And now I close my eyes
I’ve promised not to hide
Alienated smiles
A cardboard box behind
A screen the shows a map

Distracted angst is running
Drops slowly down the spine
My mouth is dry
My heart is drowned
The space between my thoughts feels lite
The awkward gesture of my arm
Sweet words are swallowed by the mind

Another mean remark
Disguising a reply

I’m looking at the map
And search for the right path
With perplexed eyes I wonder
Why still I stumble though it’s light?

And staring at the ground
I found a place to hide
Inbetween…
The blue of sea and sky.

camomile, honey and vanilla

I feel the plain void in my heart and I am finally comfortable with it. I long for something else then love now, I see fulfilment in a different shade and it kind of set me free. I am not in love and I don't search for filling that drawer anymore. The empty box in my apartment doesn’t bother me anymore though I pass by it every morning on my way out. I am peaceful. Still my mind is more creative then before and thoughts are taking off the motorway. The people I meet at the course inspire me and I like this feeling of being “back in school”.

No more envy, anger, jealousy. I’m ok. I made the right decision.

If I kept on doing the same things, how could I have waited for different results?


2006 is the year when I finally became free.

May I subtract the induced parts?

It's perplexing and muddling knowing that a deep feeling of uneasiness can be tore apart by two new pairs of baggy pants and a black cardigan... how a sore moment of loneliness is caused only by the fact that no one is around at a certain point when you'd rather not be alone. How can we know when our uneasiness should be taken seriously? when the "bad state" within is not just a "bad mood"? Is it when it finally ends up tragically and you finally identify you HAD a "real problem"? (if you're still around). Or is it when the others are seeing you as being in a serious distress or depression and they realize they should've helped you earlier?

What is authentic and what is illusion about our emotions? How can we see the difference between the true feelings and the feelings we induce ourselves?

When is love genuine and unbiased by unbalanced emotions? When should we take it seriously? When should I say: "I love you"? How do I know when love's a "state" and not a "mood"?

How should I define the intense emotions that come up in moments of happiness? How can I communicate to the other that emotion and how complete their presence sometimes makes me feel, without making a long-term promise out of it? If it were love, it would have lasted longer and my words wouldn't have been an irresponsible lie.

Oh, all these questions always find the same unsatisfying explanation: "only you can find that answer... search within you..." or "you will know when time comes, you will know love when it will fill your heart..."

...that rather means: "I don't know, why do you ask me these questions?"... Probably they don’t know more then I do... we are all part of the same world after all. But maybe I am looking for a Jesus in disguise…

It's like the question I never got to ask Collette about the amateurish painting in the "Wee House" pub: "Why did the author insist to carefully show us the cards of one of the two characters engaged in the poker game? Did (s)he consider it important for the plot of the visual or was it just a coincidence or a desire to represent the scene in the most realistic way?"

I have to ask the "Author" and maybe not even (s)he knows why.

Enough. Goodnight!